Well.

It's been a long time since I've updated this blog.  Life, busy, stuff, blah, blah, blah.  Time passes, super quickly.  And life happens in between.

Then, all of the sudden, we find ourselves at March 1.

This is a pretty important date in my life.  Four years ago my husband and I decided to make yet another attempt at eating better, getting healthier, and losing weight.

For the first time ever, it worked.

Five months in I'd lost over 100lbs.  One year to the day after we'd started (with a break in between to start running and other fun things) I was down 142lbs.

Life was amazing.  I felt fantastic, could shop where I wanted, and the looks of shock and surprise on the faces of those that hadn't seen me in forever never got old.   Then the real work began - keeping if off.

As I was losing I swore up and down to myself that I would not go back to where I once was.  That after waiting so long to feel good about myself and how I looked, I'd never allow myself to regain all that weight.  That despite hearing story after story about how people gained it - and more! - back after they slimmed down, I would be the exception and not the rule.

Here we are, three years since my lowest weight, and I was half right.

No, I haven't gained it all back.  Thank goodness.  Nowhere close, actually, but still.  More than I would like has found its way back to me, disheartening as that may be to admit. 



I firmly believe that overweight people are some of the most knowledgeable about nutrition on the planet.  We've learned what to do and how to eat - we've often spent years researching and learning and being preached at by all manner of well-intentioned assholes that think they have the solution to our weight problems.    But putting that knowledge into practice is something else entirely.

I can't fully explain why I've regained what I struggled so hard to lose.  Fundamentally, it of course comes down to the food I've put in my mouth, the choices that I make each and every day.  I'm the first to admit that not all of those choices have been wise.  Let's face it, the problem with most food is that it's fucking delicious. And it's not like I can just quit food cold turkey like I could booze or other vices - sadly we NEED FOOD TO LIVE.

But on the other hand, I kinda feel like I've gotten a bit of a genetic shaft in the weight department in that I know I'm predisposed to hold on to weight in a way that many other people are not.  Now, before you go rolling your eyes right out your head, note that I'm not saying I was born this way or I can't help being fat - of course I can.  Instead, I'm saying that my metabolism is more like a frenemy than a BFF in that it tells me exactly what I want to hear straight to my face while simultaneously stabbing me in the back.  Know what I'm sayin?

And it's not like I'm allergic to exercise.  After I lost the first 110 or so pounds, I started running.  Two years later I ran a half marathon.  Yes, you read that right.  In October of 2014, I ran 21.1kms.  In a row.  On one day.  On purpose.  Words I never thought I'd say, but say them I can.  And do.  Often.  To anyone who'll listen.  Because I'm mad proud of myself for accomplishing something of such a physical nature, especially given where I started from.

Crazily enough, it was during my half marathon training that the weight started to creep back on.  I had to eat carbs to fuel my long training runs and, well, I didn't burn enough off, I guess, so you can figure out how that story went.  

So I know a lot about nutrition and how and what to eat.  I know that I need to move my body, how to stay active (I still enjoy running and have already registered for yet another 10k this May).  So it's not like I'm living a sedentary lifestyle, perched on my couch every day of the week or anything like that.

Why, then, did so much of it come back?

It's not only because of what goes it my mouth.

It's not only about how I move my body.

It's about what's going on in my brain.

I've had lots of time to think about this over all these years while at a variety of degrees of comfort with how I feel in my own skin, and it always comes down to my relationship with food.

If I'm in a meeting and there are cookies and fruit sitting there available for anyone, I'll obsess.  Sure, I'll do my thing and am more than capable of functioning in the meeting, but somewhere in the far recesses of my brain, I'm thinking about that cookie. And that cookie.  And the one beside it.  They almost call out to me, and it's never ending, from the time I walk in until the time I walk out.  Unless someone else should clear the plate and finish them off - then I'm good.  But that rarely happens so it's cookie cookie cookie time in my brain, over and over again.

If I happen to have a package of anything - you name it, pretty much anything - I feel compelled to finish the entire thing.   A full bag of caramel cashew mix from Target?  Can't leave any behind.  Sure, I'll come back to it over and over again, might not necessarily eat the entire thing in one sitting, but in short order that thing is just a plastic bag and some peanut dust.

I marvel at people who are able to have one, two, a few of anything, then put it away for another day.  Meanwhile, I can mindlessly eat my way through an entire bag of Chicago popcorn without batting an eye.

I know all of this about myself.  I know that I have these compulsions around and about food that I've yet to fix.  And until I do, this weight struggle will go on and on and on and on.  As will my disdain for myself, my body, and my ability to stick to something that I consider so incredibly important but just.can't.do.

I think about this almost constantly.  I know I need to do something about it, but how?  Who do I go see?  Is there a branch of therapy that deals with this kind of thing, because if so, sign me the hell up.  Stat.

The way I look at it I don't have an eating disorder in the traditional sense of the word. But I do think I have disordered thinking around food, and I'd love more than anything to address it once and for all so I can move forward in a healthier, smaller body.

Because until I do, until I find the appropriate coping mechanisms and strategies to help overcome the fixation on food, I'm doomed to repeat this cycle of loss and gain.  Then more loss.  And gain.

So I'm exploring options as we speak and always more than open to any suggestions if you've got 'em.  While I try to get my brain right, I've also returned to Ideal Protein, the program that allowed me to be successful in the first place, to try to get me back down to where I want to stay.  Fingers crossed that this time I'm able to see results similar to what I've achieved in the past.

All I know is that something has to give, and that I don't want to be in the body I'm in right here, right now.

Losing weight is hard.  Keeping it off is harder.  Training your brain to not obsess over food is bordering on the impossible, or so it seems these days.  But I'm determined to keep trying, keep soldiering on, looking for solutions and never just resigning myself to being 'that size' - or even this size -  again.

So while my 2016 smile may not be as big or bright as those of years past, my hope is that by the time I go to add the 2017 edition to the mix, I'll be feeling a whole lot better about myself, inside and out, and some of that radiance will return.

To those of you that have cheered me on over the years, thanks so much for the kind words and good thoughts.  I feel, in some strange, twisted way, as though I've let you (and myself) down as I post this year's update.  I actually debated forgoing taking the 2016 picture entirely, but instead chose to own it and not only let it add extra fuel to my fire to get closer to where I was three years ago today, but as a reminder to myself of just how far I've come from where I was four years ago.  Because despite everything else, that's still very much worth celebrating.

So with that I'll bring this insanely long, very self indulgent post to an end with more thanks and a promise that I'll do my best to update this danged blog more often.  It's been way too long.

Now I'm off to drink more water, watch The Voice, and try not to obsess about wanting a snack.