WARNING:  Rant ahead.  

So.  Yesterday was my husband's birthday.  There was some discussion about what he wanted to do and in the end he decided he wanted something simple, dinner at Il Fornello, and that was about that.  Okay, can do.

Now.  I realize that our situation is different from many of our friends and family.  We don't have kids so our time is generally easier to plan than most.  We have no need for a sitter, no concern around little beings that require full time supervision.  So I get it, it's infinitely more challenging for those with small kids to come out for things like this.  Undastood.

I also realize that it's a long weekend and many people are away or already have other, long weekend related plans.  Totally get it, totally cool.   So between these two huge elements, suffice it to say that expectations were light going in to the planning of said event.  The birthday was going to be enjoyed regardless of how many people were able to attend, and we'd be glad for the company of those that could make it.

Having said all that, I don't know about you, but we've noticed a few changes in the social fabric of our lives recently.  Two in particular were brought to light over the past few weeks as the birthday planning came into full swing.

First is that fewer of our adult friends celebrate their own birthdays anymore.  Where we once used to go out for dinner as a huge gang or stumble to the bar for endless rounds of drinks, it now seems that the trend is to almost ignore adult birthdays and, instead, celebrate the hell out of the birthdays of the kids.  Which is cool - party as you will!   I get that there's only so much time, money and energy that can be spent celebrating, and that perspective and priorities shift as you get older.  Totes.  As a result?  When you don't have kids and still want to celebrate your own birthday, it almost seems weird to invite people that you're friends with to join you when you don't really get the opportunity to reciprocate with/for them later on in the year.   Seems greedy and strange.  Especially when you're not even invited to the kids' birthday parties because you don't have kids...just making it weirder and weirder (and almost uncomfortable) for everyone concerned. 

The second phenomena that we (and I say we because friends and family alike have discussed this at one time or another so it's not solely happening to us, thank goodness) is that people seem to have forgotten how important it is to actually reply to an invitation once they're sent one.  Or maybe they haven't forgotten, it's just that they no longer care.

Is it because we now rely too heavily on Facebook and other social media avenues to get our invitations out and do all the work for us?  Let's face it, Facebook events are a breeze to put together - with a few clicks of the mouse and a tiny flurry of words, your invitation is out to anyone who happens to be on your friends list (that you actually want to invite, that is).   Boom.  Done.  You push it out into the universe and just wait for the replies to roll in.

And that's where it slowly starts to go to shit.

Not everyone's even on Facebook, sure, and others use it with varying degrees of frequency so it is, therefore, entirely possible that someone who doesn't obsess over their notifications may not be quick to (or ever) respond because they just don't see it.  Okay, I get that.  This is one of the more forgivable transgressions in FB event land because in the end, the onus is really on the host to ensure that the guests receive their invitation in a format that's useful to them.  Saying you included Great Aunt Gladys on the invite list when she still has the blank FB head as her profile pic and hasn't updated a status since 2011 is on you.  Call her, send her a paper invite via carrier pigeon, I really don't care - but you have no right to be pissed if she never replies via Facebook.

What does get my goat is those that you KNOW got the invite because they're on FB all the time but still can't be bothered to click a reply. Not even a courtesy maybe to get your hopes up.  I really don't think I'm the only one who marvels at the sheer volume of faces that still reside in the Invited column on event day.  Especially when that annoying number 1 beside the Events entry on your sidebar doesn't go away until you've actually replied!!  The mind, it boggles.  


Subcategory:  The Never Responds At All Then Shows Up Anyway


Cookies officially burned over this one.  I'm sure I'm not alone here - when I plan an event I do so based on the estimated guest count.  I buy the food I need based on this number, I (maybe most importantly) purchase the alcohol I require based on this number, I may make reservations based on this number...you get the point.  So imagine my (horrific) surprise when you show up even though you never let me know you'd be coming.   And then there's the spin on the spin - you say you're coming and RSVP for one person, but bring your entire family with you.  Sometimes even after it's clearly stated that significant others/children are more than welcome but to please just give me a head count for planning purposes.  Surprise!  You walk in and the 'one' you responded as magically transforms into four.  GAH!! 


The Dreaded Maybe

Again, I get it.  Life is busy, hectic, with many conflicting priorities and demands on your time.  You get an event invitation and think it should be do-able but have this nagging feeling in the back of your brain that you've already agreed to be somewhere else but you just can't remember so you click maybe and hedge your bets until you can figure it all out.  You most certainly don't want to respond no because as soon as you do, Facebook basically shuns you from the damned thing and you can no longer post on the event wall, etc.  So sometimes even if you do actually want to decline you first have to click maybe just so you can explain why you can't be there.   

Ugh.

The biggest issue with the maybes is trying to get them to commit one way or the other as the actual event date approaches.  You post reminders on the event wall asking the maybes to please let you know how their plans are shaping up so you can make event related purchases and/or plans accordingly.  Yet despite all the politeness and understanding courtesy that you put into your request, the numbers don't budge.  People cling to their maybes for dear life.  Because hey, I only said I MIGHT be there.  I never committed, so when I bail because something else that I want to go to more crops up, I'm socially safe.   My ass is well and truly covered.

  
The Yes, I'll Be There, But Bails At the Last Minute

Shit happens.  Life happens.  Sometimes people get hurt or sick at the last minute.  Sometimes those people are your kids so you need to stay with them. Sometimes those people are you so yeah, you just can't make it.  And sometimes you just don't feel like it, so you either a) don't show up at all or b) call/text the host at the last possible moment and bail because then at least you told them you weren't coming so you've done your part and you can feel okay about yourself.

Even when the excuses are 100% legit, through no fault of their own, bailers suck.  They suck because all of the sudden the event you had planned that was going to have 12 people is now down to five.  An hour before it was set to start.  You actually wait until late in the day to call the restaurant to change the reservation because you're not entirely convinced your phone has finished ringing (or dinging) and there are more bailing calls or texts to come.  You cringe every time your phone makes a noise.  And you feel mounting disappointment for the person you're celebrating because the celebration is now so different from what it was originally intended to be.

The only upside?  More cake for you.



The Sorry I Can't Make It, I Have to X...Then I Post What I'm Actually Doing That Day (Instead Of Coming to Your Party) on Facebook 

I will admit, this one makes me giggle a bit.  Generally speaking I don't find it as heinous a transgression as some of the others because at least you had the decency to a) reply and b) tell me you definitively weren't going to be there so you never messed with my potential headcount.

But really, why lie at all?  Why not just say you've already made plans and leave it at that?  That's a perfectly good reason to decline.  Do feel free to leave it at that.  But to say sorry, we can't come as we'll be away, then post Facebook status updates late in the day of the event of you in your living room or on your patio sipping a bevvie?  Unless you've magically managed to transport your patio to another postal code, you ain't away.  You just had a better offer or wanted to be somewhere else.

Now, the flip side of this is to acknowledge that plans change. Of course!  When you first RSVP'd to the event I'd invited you to you were totally expecting to be away that weekend but something came up in the interim and that trip never materialized.  Get it.  It happens.  Fo sho.  But I still get a laugh and shake my head just that wee bit when I see you in town when you said you'd be away.


I could go on and on and on and on and on (you get the point) but I'm running out of steam and this rant is already well longer than it actually needs to be.

And before anyone gets their proverbial panties (yes, I said panties) in a twist, do know that while I find these things annoying, I also don't let them ruin my event/day/year/life.   We had a lovely time at dinner last night and while we missed those that weren't able to join us for whatever reason, a good time was had by all, particularly the birthday boy, and that's all that matters.  As a wise person once said, this too shall pass, and it does.  I get over it, every time. BUT...it doesn't mean that the entire experience hasn't become much more frustrating than it once was.

Sadly, and as much as I've maligned Facebook in this post, this bad behaviour is not restricted solely to online realms.  I talk to my sister (who does have kids) and she says that even with paper invitations sent directly home with my niece's classmates, getting someone to actually respond as to whether or not their child will be attending said niece's birthday party is like pulling teeth.  She has to chase most of them in one way, shape or form (which can be extra challenging because in many cases she doesn't know their parents - at all) just to know how many to expect at the princess spa party.  'Cause why leave those spa chairs empty if you don't need to!? 

So why?  Why is this so flippin hard?  Why can't we click a box - any box! - or make a phone call?  Why do we think our time is so important (as in I can't find the time to respond) yet completely devalue that of the person who has invited us to join them for something they deem us worthy enough to attend?

I'm the first to admit I've clicked maybe on more than one occasion because I needed to double check schedules or chat with Micheal to see what he had on the go, etc.  And while I might do my damdest to update my reply once I have a firmer grasp on what we can or cannot do I'm far from perfect, that is for sure.  

What I can say is after this past weekend I'll be extra vigilant about how I reply to invitations in the future and will do everything in my power to ensure I not only reply to requests I'm fortunate enough to receive, but do so definitively and in a timely manner.  And I wholeheartedly encourage everyone else to do the same.  Especially to my invites. :)