Sunday I took part in the Sporting Life 10k race in downtown Toronto.  I could go on and on about the race experience itself - the heat, the blister on my right foot that drove me insane, my sore left hip, having to stop and use the porta potty during the race, and did I mention the heat? - but I'm not going to. Instead, today I want to talk about what happened when I looked through the race photos taken by the awesome folks at Zoomphoto and how amazed I was at the rush of different and often conflicting emotions I felt when I saw the photos of myself as I ran.

If you know anything about me, you know that I have lost a significant amount of weight over the past few years.  Like over 100lbs significant.  I'm the first to admit that I'm no longer at the lowest point I hit two years ago, and while I have mixed feelings about that (which would be an entirely different post) I take pride, and some cold comfort, in the fact that I'm not the 330lb me I was in the beginning of 2012.

I took up running in late 2012 on a bit of a whim with a friend who was looking for someone to go with her to the Learn to Run program at the Running Room.  I figured I didn't have much to lose - I'd give it a try and see what happened.  Well, turns out I liked it and did my first 5k race on January 1, 2013.

I decided to push myself further and did my first 10k, the 2014 Sporting Life, a year ago.  And then I pushed myself further and ran the Scotiabank Waterfront Half Marathon in October, 2014.  So yeah, I guess I like to run after all.  The bug has officially bitten.

I really enjoyed my SL10k experience last year so once registration was open for this year's effort it was a no brainer that I'd sign up once again.  I didn't train nearly as hard for this year as I did for the 2014 event so I knew I'd be slower and that was perfectly okay with me.  I wasn't trying for that elusive PB - last year I was a nervous wreck so this year I wanted to just really enjoy myself, sore hip/blister/extra pounds be damned.

And I tried really hard to do just that, even in the crazy heat.  It was hard, but so is life.  You soldier on and every step brings you one bit closer to the finish line.

I love looking at race photos.  I smile and wave at the cameras as I go by because, well, there's still a small part of me that can't quite believe I do this.  For reals.

When the online gallery came up today I was quick to review all my images.  Thankfully there are a number of them to choose from but there are two that really caught my eye.  Here's the first one:

Ugh.

That was literally my very first thought.  Ugh.  Look at my arms - the way you can actually see the flab in motion as I run.

Look at the rolls.   Everywhere.

Oh man, the varicose veins in my legs look positively hideous.

And the permanent discolouration from when I got that massive infection in my leg stands out, big time.

I look pained.  Huge.  Sweaty.  Gross.  Disgusted.

And to make matters worse I'm flanked by people who started in the pink corral, 15 minutes after I started.

Like I said, ugh.

Amazing how quickly we can talk shit about ourselves.  It took me less than a nanosecond to start the self criticism.  To pick myself apart.  To tear myself down.  To focus on everything negative I could find in a single photo of myself.  It took absolutely no effort - it simply happened.  Was automatic.  See image, think horrid thoughts about myself.  Done and done.

I scrolled through more of the pics and then came upon this one.  And that's when I saw my smile and decided it was time to change my narrative.


This was right before the finish line - like steps away.  That smile?  That was the 'hell yeah, I'm almost there' smile when I saw the camera on my right.  The 'holy shit, I actually did this again' smile.

Yes, I still see my flabby arms here, but they weren't what I chose to focus on in this pic.  The rolls are there, too.  That's just my reality.   But instead of thinking about the rolls I decided to look to my waist and the hourglass shape that I can sometimes rock.  And I told myself my sports bra did a pretty decent job for me that day, which is no small feat given the task I set out for it.

And if anything, my veins look worse in this pic than the last and the discolouration even more visible.  Yet still I said screw that noise.  Think, woman!!  These are the legs that just took you 10 kilometers!!  That got you through a half marathon.  That have run over 1,300kms in just over two years.   And that, had things gone just a little bit differently, might not have actually been there if that infection had fully run its course and they'd had to remove a section of as they feared they'd have to at the time.

Those legs? Them are some strong, resilient, kick ass legs right there.

Legs that I never thought would accomplish what they have.

And that made me feel better.   Not 100% fantastic about myself, but definitely better.

Amazing, ain't it, how easy it is to rush in and pick out our own flaws.  Finding self acceptance takes work, real work, and maybe even a wee bit of delusion thrown in for good measure.  And while I readily admit that I certainly didn't enjoy feeling crappy about myself for part of today, in hindsight I'm thankful for both photos because they help remind me not only of how far I've come, but also that there's still room for improvement in how I look and feel and that I need to keep working to be a better, healthier me.  Important reminders both.

Sunday I took part in the Sporting Life 10k race in downtown Toronto.  18 short months ago these were words I never thought would pass my lips.  Yet thanks to perseverance, good gear, a tonne of support from my husband and my amazing running friends, today they can.  And while I have a long way to go in terms of getting to the healthiest body I can have, I feel it imperative to do what I can to acknowledge how far I've come and how this same body has helped me do some pretty incredible things. 

I'm very glad for that second photo today.  I look at it and, despite everything, I smile back at myself.  At then end of the day, that's pretty damned awesome if you ask me.